"D is for Discipline" AND "Deep River Public Library"

"D is for Discipline"

O.k., I have to admit, this is a topic that I have been hesitant to tackle.  Call me a "scaredy cat" if you will, but this subject is a tricky one.  Discipline styles are as varied as individuals- every person has his/her own ideas about discipline (or "child guidance", which, according to the HUGE child care conglomerate for which I consult, is the new, more PC, and preferred term ;-) and it can be a conversational wildcard. Think about all of your longtime friends- the ones you've had for years before you became parents, folks with whom you share a common history and many, many similar points of view.   Now fast forward to the present.  Many of you have kids, you may not have seen each other for a while, and you reunite for one of the first times with kids in tow, kids who are at an age where it's appropriate to correct inappropriate behavior.  Have you ever been completely floored by one of your friend's approaches to discipline?  I mean totally baffled by this person's choice in behavior management because it seems in direct opposition to the person you've known "forever"?   It happens all the time!  

Discipline is just one area of child rearing where people are compelled to constantly reevaluate and question the status quo.  Hey, I'm all for questioning the status quo- it's how we make sure we're doing the right things for the right reasons; however, this constant questioning can sometimes create disciplinary "wafflers", and that right there can be a critical parenting error- kids as young as 18 months can spot a "waffler", and once they have, it's all over- they've won ;-)!

My goal isn't to tell anyone how to discipline.  No how, no way!  I've found some things that have worked for my kids, but discipline is definitely a "custom designed" thing- no "one size fits all" here! I can only compare your disciplinary choices to trying to be something you're not stylistically:  If you try and force yourself to be something you're not, just because it's "en vogue", then you won't look good, you won't feel good, and no one will believe you- your look will be inauthentic.  Same goes for discipline- it requires thought and planning, but you must be comfortable with your choice to make it work. My purpose is to encourage you to spend a few minutes thinking about your personal style of discipline, how you came to it, and what you like and don't like about it.  Hopefully, by seeing where your choices fall into the suggestions below, you can "tweak" your current practices to be even more effective and beneficial!

1) What is your ultimate goal with discipline?  Hopefully, it has something to do with wanting to teach your children about expected behaviors in a variety of situations, and about the content of their personal character.  Always keep your personal goal in mind when you discipline your children.

2) How does your style of discipline dovetail with your personal disciplinary goals?   For example, if you've chosen spanking as a disciplinary option, does this gel with your desire to raise children who solve problems with words?   I know, I know, it's not that cut and dry...or is it?   

3) Does your disciplinary style allow for logical consequences?  Logical consequences are AWESOME.  They are the parents' Royal Flush (full disclosure: I totally had to Google that- I know nothing about poker ;-)!   Logical consequences are what happens when a kiddo gets to experience the results of a poor choice first hand, without the parent having to "be the bad guy" per se.  It doesn't mean it's easy, though- as a parent, to take advantage of the Royal Flush, you must remember two things: 1)  NEVER say "I told you so", and 2) Do NOT step in and save them (unless they are endangering themselves or others).  Both of these can be incredibly hard; however, the payoff is great.  Let them head to school with unfinished homework (at least the first time), let them wear a dirty uniform (that was left on the floor of the bedroom instead of put in the wash) to a game- they will learn all the faster their role in their own success.

4) Is your discipline consistent?  Listen guys, babies detect patterns from infancy.  I know this one for a fact, because when my daughter was a mere infant, too young to even sit up, she participated in a research study* at Yale.  The study involved infants watching images appear on a screen in patterns.  The babies' reactions to changes in images and patterns were recorded, and it was determined that they were able to almost instantly detect when a change in the pattern occurred! So, what does this tell you about your discipline practices?  If you give in, your kiddos will immediately recognize that you are able to be "cracked" :-)!  Is this a bad thing?  Not necessarily, but make sure that you make your inconsistencies occur with less serious offenses, and that you explain why you have chosen to make the change. Every rule has an exception; however YOU are in charge, and therefore, only YOU get to determine what these exceptions are and when they occur.

5) Is your discipline fair? Sometimes, we get so caught up in the heat of the moment when we're disciplining our kids, and so worried that this little infraction (grabbing a cookie from a classmate's lunch) might indicate that our kid will grow up into a raving sociopath, that our consequences can be "over the top" (I speak from experience.  The other day, my son mentioned his DS, and I asked where it was.  His response? "I think you took it away for a year."  oops.).   Make sure your consequences are fair- you will garner much more respect that way.  

6) Do you get upset when your kids are angry with you? DON'T!  Your children are not meant to be happy all of the time!  If they are upset with your limits, and if you believe these limits are the right ones for your kids, then STICK TO YOUR GUNS!  Think about your life as an adult.  Are you happy with all of the limits you deal with on a daily basis in life, at work, etc.?  Nope, probably not.  If you try to have your children avoid unhappiness at all costs, and create circumstances so they're never upset with you, how will they function as adults?  They need to learn how to deal with limits in the loving safety of their homes and families.  This way, as they grow and become independent they'll be able to handle these things successfully.

So, in my very first "A" post back in April (if you haven't read that one, I encourage you to give it a read in the archives) I suggested that you ask yourself what sort of adults you'd like to see your children become and to determine if your actions were consistent with enhancing this outcome.  I recommend doing this again, this time, with your style of discipline.  Is the message you're sending when you're setting limits one that is directly correlated to the type of adult you'd like your child to become?  If so, bravo!  And when you get together with all of those old friends and their kids, just remember, whatever they choose for their own kids is their deal- discipline can be like religion and politics- be VERY careful with whom you broach the subject- reactions can be VERY surprising ;-)!

* Regarding university studies:  If you live near a university, the chances are fairly high that their child psychology department may need subjects for various research projects.  Both of my children have been involved in a wide variety of studies from infancy on.  I only allow them to participate in non-invasive, positive studies, where I am able to either be present, or observe via a video monitor, and we're always provided with a written overview prior to participation.  Most studies require no more than 15 minute of our time, and my children know that they're helping the college students "learn about kids".  Another way to "walk your talk" with your children! :-)

And now, more from my daughter, the guest-writer, and our latest library adventure:

"D is also for the "Deep River Public Library"

Today we visited the Deep River Public Library. Very old fashioned and cute. We discovered that the house the library was located in was originally built as the  Richard Spencer House in 1881. Most of the same features are still there including a key-crank doorbell and a grandfather clock (both pictured below). 

The sign at the front of the house.

The key-crank doorbell (I have to admit this was my first time seeing one and most eleven-year old's would never see one. You turn the key, and it makes the cutest little "ding"!)

The Grandfather Clock in the Young Adult section.

In this library the books were mostly all in one room since the library was so tiny. It is probably the smallest library we visited so far, since Deep River itself is a very small town. In total, I believe there were really only 3 rooms that contained books. One room was for children's and adult fiction (great big windows in the children's room, and a puppet area, too!), another for young adult and adult nonfiction and the last room was set aside for reading books. The library had a downstairs which seemed to be used as a community room. They also had many cute bookmarks available for free, many of which had the slogan "Dream Big: Read" (this year's Governor's Summer Reading Challenge) on it. Very cute as were many of the pictures.

There were many cute bookmarks like the one above.

The reading room

I had a fantastic time at the Deep River Public Library and its location is great. It is in the downtown area and is located next to a few restaurants and a gift shop. I can't wait to go to Essex for "E".

 Happy 4th of July!!!:)