Z is for ZAPPOS???

Z is for...Zappos???

So here we are at the final day of the Blogging A-Z April challenge!  Check out the sign language character for "Z" - I think it's the coolest one of all!  Get out your pointer finger and give it a try...if you keep the motion tight, it has a very "Mon says NO" feel.  If you make it loose and a little bigger, it feels more like, "oh no she DIDN'T!" ;-) Anyway, I digress...

So why did I choose "Z is for Zappos" for the final post if this challenge?  Is it because I really dig shoes?  Because they want me to advertise for them? Nah.  With feet like Fred Flinstone's, I can only squeeze my feel into the most utilitarian of shoes- no shoe-lust for me!  Rather, I chose to use Zappos for my "Z" because as I was cruising through their website one day, I decided to give their "Core Values" a read.  Guess what?? They'd make GREAT core values for any family- not just for a Fortune 500 Internet Shoe/Fashion Empire!

Check 'em out:

1. Deliver Wow Through Service *

2. Embrace and Drive Change

3. Create Fun and a Little Weirdness

4. Be Adventurous, Creative and Open-Minded

5. Pursue Growth and Learning

6. Build Open and Honest Relationships with Communication

7. Build a Positive Team and Family Spirit

8. Do More with Less

9. Be Passionate and Determined

10. Be Humble

*service to family and community, for our purposes :-)

So, you can see how they work for Zappos, but go back and take another look; how would your family look if you decided to apply these core values to your own family's mission?  My guess is it'd be pretty awesome!

So, as we reach the end of the April challenge, I prefer to view it as a "transition".  Purposeful Parenting- It's Elementary was started during this challenge; however it most certainly won't end with it!  My plan is to head back to "A" in a few days, and start all over again!  I won't maintain the flat-out pace of the challenge, but I will be posting regularly.  I look forward to continuing my growth as a writer, and locating more terrific parenting resources and nuggets of wisdom to share with you.

By the way, check out the new "Reading tip of the Day" widget I've installed in the right margin from Reading Rockets- they've got some great ideas!

Upcoming topics I'll be exploring?  Electronics and Kids, Helicopter Parents, Not My Kid, Enrichment Activities, Healthy foods, Sibling Relationships, Cultural Pursuits, Preventing Summer Slide, and MORE!

Y is for YEARS PASS QUICKLY!!!

Y is for YEARS PASS QUICKLY

The LITTLE GUY is 8 today!- Artwork by the Birthday Boy

 

What I'm about to share is so cliche, but there are reasons that cliches evolve- they're often succinct nuggets of truth!  So, when I say "years pass quickly" or "kids grow up so fast", I suppose I'm not being trite- just really accurate ;-).

Today is my son's 8th birthday.  I absolutely cannot believe it!  As a mom, I must admit that I'm having a bit of a tough time with this one.  He hasn't realized it yet (thank goodness!), but he's on the cusp of what is the "tween" stage for boys (is there a more boyish version of "tween"?  There HAS to be super cool word for that, a new buzzword we can coin, right here on "Purposeful Parenting: It's Elementary"...I'm going to work on that throughout the day...;-).  To the untrained eye, he seems like he's still "little"- he's still wearing many size 6/7 clothes, he wants regular snuggles, and still holds my hand and gives me kisses and hugs in relatively public situations.  

But full-on "big boyhood" is lurking.  While at a recent school event, I reached for his hand in the crowded cafeteria.  I got the "make hand limp, and twist and wriggle free" move. He hissed, "MOM! My friends are here!"   So, the shadow hovers!

There's something about the youngest one getting to this point that's just so final.  I now see how those youngest kids can get a bit spoiled...moms of the world, I feel your pain, and do not fault you for your actions ;-)!  It is taking every fiber of my being to make him toe the line as his sister had to at his age.  But it's hard.  Really hard.  As much as I am proud of all he can do as he grows, I simultaneously mourn all the "little boy" stuff that goes by the boards in order to create space for this growth. I plan on really cherishing every single one of those snuggles for as long as I can!  For now, here's a comparison from last year to this-it's flown by... I need to get going and celebrate with my little/big boy!

7th Birthday 04/29/11

HE'S 8!!! PARTY ON!!! 04/29/12

X is for EXTREME ADMIRATION

 X is for EXTREME ADMIRATION

Meet Avery Lynn Canahuati.  She'a almost 5 months old.

You may recognize her from your internet homepage, because her blog has recently blown up the blogosphere with hundreds of thousands of views! Avery was born on 11-11-11, and on Good Friday (the worst possible irony), her mom and dad received the news that she has a rare genetic disorder called "Spinal Muscular Atrophy".  Avery's prognosis is grim; most children with SMA die before they reach 18 months old.

"Extreme Admiration", the title of today's post, refers to the feelings I have for Avery's mom and dad, Laura and Mike Canahuati of Houston, Texas.  They have decided to make the absolute most of Avery's short time here, and have started a Blogger Blog of their own called "Avery's Bucket List".  Their goal is to dramatically increase awareness of SMA and pre-pregnancy genetic testing for couples considering having a child.   The "Bucket List" they've created for Avery is fabulous, and at only 5 months old, here's some of what she's accomplished:

Items I Can Scratch Off My Bucket List:

1. Wake up smiling 

2. Have a bad hair day

3. Ride in an ambulance

4. Get picked up by a fireman

5. Meet a fan

6. Talk to mommy & daddy

7. Eat a cupcake & a Blow Pop

8. Play with Play-Dough

9. Play a practical joke on someone

MORE Items I Can Scratch Off My Bucket List:

1. Make an impact on a doctor to mention SMA to his patients.
2. Wear a big bow on my head
3. Party like a Rock Star
4. Get a sponge bath
5. Redecorate my room
6. Have an SMA Awareness fundraiser thrown for me

Please check out Avery's blog!  Her parents write with humor, hope, and dedication to making their daughter's precious life full of joy and purpose. I am deeply humbled and amazed at their strength.

Please  CLICK HERE to visit Avery's blog; I promise, you'll be glad you did!!!

W is for WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

W is for WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

I am amazed that the end of the A-Z Blogger Challenge is on the horizon!  Only 3 more posts before I've completed the alphabet?  It seems impossible!  By the way, I am a HUGE fan of serendipity (of the movie with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale, but most especially of serendipitous happenings in life!).  Check out the sign language letter for today- don'tcha think the "W" looks just like "3", for 3 posts remaining ?!?

So what's next for the blog? Where do I go from here?  Well, I've noticed that as I've progressed through the letters, I've often had several topics about which I wanted to write for certain letters.  I feel like I'm finally "getting warmed up" with writing, and still feel like I'm at only the tip of the iceberg of finding my writer's voice.  I want to continue on this journey, and see where it takes me.  

I'm finding that I'm growing not only as writer through this experience, but also as a parent.  Knowing I'm going to be posting about parenting keeps me open to noticing things about myself and about others.  I'm attuned to potential topics for discussion, and areas for personal growth.  I've found more than I expected to find with this experience, something about which I'm quite surprised and extremely grateful.

So, once we hit "Z" in a few days, don't think we're at the end of "Purposeful Parenting A-Z".  We'll have merely completed a single phase.  I'll be heading back to "A" again, excited to see where this next turn through the alphabet takes me, and even more excited to write about it! You can expect to see new posts every few days (with working full time and an insane activity schedule, the daily posting my turn me into a total nut!), and I hope they continue to grow in depth and breadth.  Thank you for reading what I write- it is a tremendous honor to be "heard" :-)!

V is for VARYING YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE

V is for VARYING YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE

Tonight I sat at the soccer field in the rain, waiting in earnest for the end of my son's practice.  First, I loathe being wet, and second, the cool, damp air had me casting sideways glances at the lone Port-a-Potty, trying to decide if I could wait the 15 minutes until practice ended, or whether I should play germ roulette and try it out.  I decided the germ factor was way too risky, and hunkered down in my sling chair under my umbrella.  Only here's the problem- I realized that my umbrella was missing the little piece that clicks into place to keep it up.  So, the only way to make it usable was to hold it up with my thumb.  Every time my thumb got tired, my umbrella would close around my head until I got my thumb strength back!  It was definitely a pain in the neck, but it kept my mind off the bathroom dilemma for a while.

Since I was hunkered down so far in my sling chair, and my busted umbrella was functioning more like an awkward hat than an umbrella, I didn't engage in any of the usual parental banter that happens on the sidelines of kids' sporting events.  I simply willed strength to my thumb and my bladder, and just eavesdropped on all of the conversations around me.

Know what I noticed?  People love to talk about their ideas, their opinions, their kids, their points of view...themselves!  All around me, folks were talking to each other, but what I heard (and I heard about three simultaneous conversations) all seemed to be people telling things TO each other.  I was there for an hour and hardly heard a single question in response to something that was shared.

O.k., this is one of my most frequently committed social crimes.  I have a long and colorful history of talking too much about myself (obviously...hello, I'm blogging, right? ;-).   I mean a REALLY colorful history- to the point of creating awkward situations for myself.  At the " art form" level!  So, listening attentively with no response agenda or need to "bottom line" everything the other person says is a definite goal of mine.

Have you ever spent time with a person who was REALLY listening to you?  I mean not multitasking, checking their phone, working on something, or interrupting with their own agenda of ideas and thoughts?  And not your therapist? These people seem so serene to me, and I never notice when I'm with them (probably because I'm too busy blathering on about myself, my ideas, and every random thought that has passed through my head that day), but they ask a lot of questions; not dumb surface questions, just so they can seem like they're paying attention, but questions well-grounded in what you've shared.  I am always sorry to see time with this kind of listener end.  I leave the time together refreshed and upbeat, but with a little edge of, "Gee, did I ask her about________?  Rats!  I meant to see how that was going!".  

I want to be this serene, attentive person for my friends, and most especially, my children.  I have to pause and just relax and listen.  I have to try NOT to think of a way to "fix" whatever they're sharing about, and instead I just need to be present with them.  Have you noticed that time spent with someone who interrupts, or tries to match you story-for-story (coming from someone who does this frequently, please realize that it's often an attempt to make interpersonal connections- not a "one-upping" kind of thing), that you leave the conversation feeling like you didn't get to finish your stories or share all you wanted?

My goal is going to be to try and add some variety to my often impulsive, boisterous style of communicating.  I plan on relaxing more and really listening actively to my children, my students, and my friends.  I wonder what impact my shift in attentiveness will have on what they share and what I learn?  I'm guessing the space I create with my quiet listening will allow my children to more readily share what's on their minds, my students to formulate clearer ideas, and my friends to know that when they're talking to me, they're the most important person in that moment.  For a born chatterbox, this won't be easy- but I'm excited to try!

U is for Unusually Great Read Aloud books for Families

U is for UNUSUALLY GREAT READ ALOUD BOOKS FOR FAMILIES

The weather is getting warmer and drier, which means perfect nights for the screen porch!  There's no simpler pleasure I enjoy more than sitting with my kids on our screen porch at dusk, watching the fireflies come out, and sharing a chapter book together.  If we happen to also be having ice cream, that's even better!

Reading aloud to our children, even once they've become proficient readers is so important! First and foremost, it's a way to "walk your talk" with your children, by demonstrating that you believe literacy is important.  Second, when listening to books being read aloud, children are exposed to much richer and complex language than they are able to read independently.  This is a chance for them to develop their vocabulary and knowledge of literary devices.  Third, children develop their "visualizing" skills when hearing books read aloud.  They construct meaning from the words they are hearing and the images being generated in their minds while they're listening.  Finally, you're spending screen-free time together as a family, and creating a memory with your children.  Years from now, they'll gravitate towards the books you read aloud with them, and hopefully share them with their own children!

I want to be sure to mention that I have had tremendous good luck with all of the books I've purchased through the Chinaberry catalog.  Their recommendations have always been spot-on, and I've never been sorry with a book purchase I've made through their catalog or website.  As a matter of fact, I'm such a fan, that I dragged my family to their headquarters in Spring Valley, California when we were there last winter.  The folks there were wonderful!  We purchased a few things at the outlet store, and the clerk sent me away (hmm...now that I think about it, was she trying to get rid of me...;-) with a pile of books for my classroom.  They're terrific!  I highly recommend the catalog, and if you're ever in Spring Valley, pay them a visit!

Click the words "Chinaberry catalog" in the paragraph above to visit their website :-).

Between the books I've shared with my own children and the books I've shared with my class, I've assembled a collection of favorite read aloud books.  You can view them on my "shelfari" shelf below,  I'm not advertising for amazon; in fact, I'd love it if you visited your local library to borrow a copy of any that strike your fancy!  These are some of my family's favorites, and also some favorites of classes I've taught over the years.  I look forward to adding more.  As always, to my local friends, I'm happy to loan any that strike your fancy!  Choose one, grab your kids, find a comfy, breezy place to sit, and enjoy! 

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog

T (part 2) is for TV YOU NEED TO SEE

T (part 2) is for TV YOU NEED TO SEE

My friend called tonight, about ten minutes before Dateline aired, and mentioned that the show has been running episodes on choices kids make when their parents aren't there.  Last week's episode was about what children would do when strangers approached with offers of free ice cream or starring roles on television.  This week's episode was on teenagers and driving-related choices. Parents who have had many "stranger danger" discussions with their children (including a police officer who visits schools and discusses stranger danger for a living) watched on hidden cameras as their children were approached by actors.  Many were shocked that although they've discussed this topic frequently with their children, and the kids were clearly doubting the integrity of the stranger, many went against their guts anyway!

You NEED to watch this WITH your elementary/middle school children.  We've all had the stranger danger talk, but not enough- this video is evidence of that!

 

To watch the DATELINE SPECIAL online, click here.

Another fabulous video for stranger education is a collaborative effort between America's Most Wanted's John Walsh, and the Baby Einstein foundation's Julie Clark.  It's called The Safe Side Stranger Safety.  A photo of the DVD is below (it's the yellow one on the left). 

 Click here for a link to the product on amazon.com.

I use the Safe Side video with my classes at school; however, after seeing the Dateline footage, I don't think it's enough.  Watch the Dateline with your children.  We can make many mistakes as parents and kids can make loads of 'em, too.  Unfortunately, this is an area where there are no second chances.  Watch them, discuss them, and do it often.  With this subject, it's never overkill!

T is for TOP TEN THINGS TEACHERS WISHED YOU KNEW

T is for TOP TEN THINGS TEACHERS WISHED YOU KNEW

DISCLAIMER: I'm not suggesting you don't know these things; I am very aware that with this blog I am most often "preaching to the choir"; however, it's cathartic to put it out there anyway :-).  Oh, and also, these are in no particular order, and I don't mean for them to come across as a rant- sometimes, my words just get way ahead of me ;-).

1. Contrary to popular belief, most of us are not "getting the summer off".  We are paid a salary that is calculated on a "per diem" basis.  This means that we are paid for 184 days- no more.  When summer comes, either teachers receive no pay at all, or they receive a check that is comprised of money that has been set aside from their paychecks throughout the year. 
2. Most teachers have graduate degrees, and many even have postgraduate degrees, or a "second Master's".  I'm in the latter group.  In addition, (at least in my state), we have to have 15 hours of continuing education per year.  It's not all crayons, markers, and construction paper.  The job has become extraordinarily data-driven.
3. Teaching is one of the only professions where you hear people say, "I could've done that if I wanted to.  How hard can it be?" Trust me, just because kids are involved and kids are cute, its not easy- their cuteness is Darwinian camouflage for worthy adversaries ;-).
4. Since the government can't impose too many controls on parents (for example, check out the bike helmet "law"below)...it holds teachers 100% accountable for students' academic success.                                            Senate Bill No. 597  Public Act No. 97-46

   An Act Requiring Children Fifteen Years of
   Age and Under to Wear Bicycle Helmets

   Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives in General Assembly convened: Subsection (b) of section 14-286d of the general statutes is repealed and the following is substituted in lieu thereof:
   (b)No child FIFTEEN years of age OR UNDER shall operate a bicycle on the traveled portion of any highway unless such child is wearing protective headgear which conforms to the minimum specifications established by the American National Standards Institute or the Snell Memorial Foundation's Standard for Protective Headgear for Use in Bicycling. Failure to comply with this section shall not be a violation or an offense. Failure to wear protective headgear as required by this subsection shall not be considered to be contributory negligence on the part of the parent or the child nor shall such failure be admissible in any civil action. 

SERIOUSLY??? The part I've placed in bold kills me!  So, it's a law, but if you break it, that's o.k.?  The laws for car seats are worded the same way.  Now I'm not a lawyer, so if I'm reading this wrong, please, please tell me.  I'd actually be happier if I was reading it incorrectly.  It'd make a heck of a lot more sense....

As I was saying in #5, since the government can't hold parents legally accountable for much other than clothing, medical care, shelter, and sending their kids to school, teachers are the ones who are held accountable.  I can have a student come to school who hasn't been to bed before midnight in a week, who has eaten nothing but Cheetos and hotdogs, and who eats these foods alone in his/her room in front of a television while watching something like SAW IV.  Now folks, I am not being extreme here.  At least one student every year (often a few) fit this profile.  Regardless of these factors, this child must excel on a standardized test.  I can recommend that a parent make some changes in the home routine for the benefit of the child's academic progress; however, I can't require it.  Which brings me to #6:

         6.  It varies from town to town and state to state, but in many places, teachers aren't allowed to
         have kids "stay back" without parental permission.  That's the case in the city where I work.  I
         can recommend that a child be retained; however, in the end it is up to the parent, regardless of
         the child's attendance and/or performance.  So, if a parent wants it, a student who hasn't       mastered the skills necessary to succeed in his/her current grade can still be promoted to the next grade.

         7. Chances are, if your child was involved in some sort of minor "tussle" at the elementary
         level, he or she had something to do with it.  Make sure you contact the teacher and get all sides
         of the story before calling the school on a rant.  You may find that you're right- that your child
         did nothing wrong- but at least with this approach, if you're wrong, you'll maintain a great
         rapport with the teacher.

         8. Again, it varies from district to district, but teachers receive a VERY small budget for
         supplies each year.  Our grade level received $200 for the year last year, to be split three ways
         (among the 3 classes).  From this we had to buy paper for the year, and anything else we could
          eek out.  We chose homework folders.  What's that mean?  It means that the markers, colored
          pencils, boxes of 24 crayons, scissors, new books for the classroom, and journals were
          purchased by the teacher.  My situation is my no means unique, and it totals well over $1,000
          per year.  Teachers will do whatever it takes to be sure children have what they need. 
          The average teacher has gone above and beyond for his/her students, buying backpacks,
          mittens, jackets, and even Halloween costumes for kids who have families that can't afford
         them at this time.  This goes on "behind the scenes" each day :-).

         9. Your child's teacher will do anything and everything to keep your child safe, regardless of
         your rapport with the teacher, or your child's behavioral history.  I know I haven't ever taught a
         child for whom I wouldn't put myself in harm's way; I will do everything in my power to keep
         your child safe.

       10.  Teachers are always thinking of their students, no matter where they are!  I can spot a teacher
        from a mile away, even on vacation.  They're the only ones not buying t-shirts- they're the ones
        picking things up saying, "Boy this would be perfect for my unit on ___________!"

Your child's teacher works incredibly hard for the students in his/her class.  We're often up before the sun and in bed very late, researching ideas for lessons, coming up with new strategies to help those struggling with certain concepts, and to challenge those who exceed expectations.  Are there lousy teachers out there?  I'm sure!  There's a lousy version of everything out there!  Luckily, though, in my experience, the "lousy" seem to be the minority.  Get to know your child's teachers.  Ask about their philosophies, and find out what the teacher enjoys about your child.  Once you've learned about these, then continue to build your rapport.  The teacher (again, I speak for myself, but hopefully for many!) isn't out to judge your parenting; instead s/he wants to work with you to help your child grow academically, socially, and emotionally.  When teachers and parents work as a team and start by viewing things from one another's  perspectives, amazing things can happen!:-)

S is for "SERIOUSLY????"

 

 S is for "SERIOUSLY????"

So the other day, I mentioned that I was writing my posts on a tiny netbook (my backup computer) on a tiny table, while drinking a tiny cup of coffee and borrowing the wireless signal from Barnes and Noble. I wrote the next day's post on a the same tiny netbook, on a slightly larger table, in the hospital cafeteria while my husband had surgery (surgery wonderfully uneventful- husband home and crabby, which means all is back to normal ;-).  I am happy to report that my home's technological mutiny has been squelched...I think (I'm never sure about anything technological).  I fixed the DSL (lots of inhaled dust and exhaled expletives), and purchased a new computer.  I am currently in the middle of crossing the cultural divide between PC and Mac.  I remain somewhere in the middle of the two camps; however, I have to say that the Mac camp is much better-looking, right down to the presentation of the instruction manual.  Though I must confess that the uber-cool, indie vibe evaporated a bit when my dad and I attempted to try and link the new Mac to my wireless printer.  I consulted the sleek and friendly (it even says "Hello" on the front!) manual, and the word "printer" wasn't even in the index.  "Well dad, I guess printing's only for uptight PC people, huh?" ;-) 

So, today's post.  I chose S is for "seriously" for two reasons, first, it's one of my favorite responses to the increased craziness that the world seems to dish out in the form of bureaucratic red tape, and apathetic employees of various stores.  Case in point?  When my daughter was young enough to still ride in a carriage, but old enough to repeat everything she heard, I was shopping with her in a local discount pharmacy/grocery-type store.  A store employee walked by, in the midst of a rant (wearing her "May I help you?" badge and all!), cursing a loud blue streak, dropping f-bombs all over the place.  My daughter's face lit up with the potential for acquiring new words to use in a fit of temper.  I, on the other hand, was appalled!  I mentioned it to the store manager, who responded with a shoulder shrug, and said, "She's probably having a bad day."  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?  I am a teacher- annoying stuff happens all the time, and I'd never even utter the word "crap" under my breath!  I figured this must be an employee-culture thing, isolated to this particular store, so (in my "Superhero- saving the planet for all little kids" mode), I called the regional manager.  His response, "Well ma'am, perhaps she was having a bad day."  SERIOUSLY??? By the way, my daughter is almost 12, and I still consider that store to be PG-13; I haven't brought the kids there since ;-).  Another example?  When I called our insurance company about my son's glasses, and they said, "Ma'am, we don't cover glasses just because someone can't see."  SERIOUSLY???  Four years later (and thousands of dollars in glasses),  that still cracks me up.  Seriously.

My second reason for choosing "Seriously??" as today's topic, is that as parents, sometimes we take ourselves a little too much so.  We often forget to lighten up and laugh at ourselves and our mistakes.  We become hyper-sensitive and often over-analyze things that should've received a mere "Pfft!" in the first place.  

Don't get me wrong- I think parenting is the most important job there is, and should be undertaken with a lot more thought than it sometimes is; but if we take that job TOO seriously, we can create wreckage, too. 

Now, my uber-liberal friends, (seriously, please don't take this too seriously), but you can sometimes take yourselves a bit too seriously ;-).  I'm allowed to say this because I am often guilty of the same thing!  My family and I belong to a super-liberal church.  We love it- its social justice component, its inclusive nature, its diverse membership, its fantastic religious education program for children, and its simple yet gorgeous architectural features (must've been designed by a "Mac" person;-).  That being said, I have noticed that sometimes, the super-open minded can become borderline judgmental when it comes to the level of  intellectual prowess and/or political-correctness that others in the conversation are exhibiting.  I sometimes feel if I were to ever "come clean" about my reality-TV viewing, or the fact that I own Molly Ringwald's book Getting the Pretty Back (seriously), or that I really dig hip hop music (sometimes with questionable lyrics) that I might be on the receiving end of lots of sighs and head-shaking.  Does this bother me?  A little.  But not for long- I have to laugh that even someone like me- the perennial "good girl" can make folks gasp- especially the uber-liberal!

Are you getting what I'm trying to say?  That extreme anything can cause you to say, "SERIOUSLY???"- even being so open minded that you inadvertently become a little close-minded!  So, if your child gets in trouble at school for something minor (yet embarrasses you nonetheless), or if people don't realize that you really are "together" and just seem slightly kooky (maybe this just happens to me?), or if your child eats something inorganic or with high fructose corn syrup on occasion- don't take it too seriously.  Remain vigilant, but realize when to let something go by the boards.  Laugh at the ridiculousness the universe sends your way in its various forms.  You'll live longer and grow more tolerant in the process.  Seriously!!!

By the way, I was going to do "S is for SPIRITUALITY" today, but thought it might be too serious ;-)!

R is for RACE TO NOWHERE

R is for RACE TO NOWHERE

Disclaimer: You can't view the trailer by clicking on the arrow above. 

 If you'd like to view the trailer (and I hope you will), please click here.

About a year and a half ago, the parent of a former student sent me an e-mail and invited me to attend a screening of the documentary "Race to Nowhere".  His children's new school was hosting a screening, and he thought the content would be right up my alley.  After I looked into it, I decided he was right, and went to see the film.  It was SO up my alley, that I chaired a committee to have my children's school host a screening at our local high school.

What's so great about the film?  It forces parents and teachers to ask themselves a LOT of questions about the current structure of the education system, and its often misguided emphasis on "more is better".  It speaks to this in both curricular and extracurricular arenas.  Many children and teachers are interviewed in the film, and the overall opinion is that we're asking our children to be jacks of all trades and masters of all!  I'm not sure whether I'm remembering this from the film, or whether I thought it up myself (I often pat myself on the back for genius insight that turns out to be something I've heard from someone else and misfiled in my brain;-), but it seems like when I was in high school (25 years ago...holy crap), kids were recognized when they did one thing well.  For instance, if you were great at sports- awesome!  If you were a mathematician- super!  If you were a musician or drama buff- terrific! Now, it seems like you've got to be an athlete who plays an instrument in the local symphony who also gets near perfect grades, and oh yeah, who is also very attractive with straight teeth and no pimples.  It's like the impossible has become the standard toward which we're pushing our kids.  With these standards, success is practically not an option.

So, the same week I saw this film I read Amy Chua's book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.  Comparing Race To Nowhere with Tiger Mother was like visiting Hawaii and Antarctica in the same week- two totally different experiences!  I walked around for weeks with the main points of both swirling in my head, realizing that each represented a point on a continuum of expectations.  But where did I fall as a parent, and where did I need to fall to make sure my kids were adequately challenged, but not overwhelmed? Looking for the answer to this question is a huge part of my parenting journey! Somewhere in the middle lie some best practices for expectations that will enable our children to excel. 

 What is the key?  I'm not sure but I'm going to suggest that it's made up at least partially of something  I discussed in my "K" post on knowing your child's limits.  Know what he/she can handle- how much pressure, how much criticism, and how much work.  Help your child to see the fine line between being an active participant in school activities and overextending oneself to the point of exhaustion. 

Remain steadfast in your decision to protect your child from too much pressure.  It can be challenging to do so when it seems like everyone around you is doing everything (to me, it can feel like a disarmament effort- becoming vulnerable for the greater good by giving something up ;-), but stay strong.  You know what's best for your family.  In the end, that's all that matters (but in the meantime, I highly recommend the movie! ;-)!

Q is for QUIET TIME

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Q is for QUIET TIME

In the early childhood years (I'm talking toddler/preschool here) we are very cognizant of the fact that our children need quiet time.  Some folks are militant about their kids' naps, in part because children who are growing so quickly really do need the rest, but also in part because as parents, we really need a break!

As my children entered their elementary years, naps moved from a daily occurrence to something that seriously happens about as often as I see a shooting star.  If either of my kids stays home from school sick (almost never happens) or if we take a really long car ride, then MAYBE we might get 'em to take a nap.  But we can't bet on it- naps in my house are pleasant surprises, like shooting stars.  Even snow days happen more frequently!

We're a super busy family, as are most families with kids of this age.  We dash from place to place so frequently, that I actually type up a daily schedule and e-mail it to my husband, my parents and my in-laws (so they'll know where to find us if they need us).   Quiet time is something that happens most often on weekends, in the winter time, when there's that blessed "activity lull" in between seasons.  Here's the problem though- many (if not most, or even all- I'd be willing to place money on the "all") kids need down time or "quiet time" on a regular basis.  Without it, kids are at risk for burnout, depression, and exhaustion.  Their creativity also suffers.

My daughter is a HUGE fan of quiet time.  She needs it daily, and depends on it to maintain her inner balance.  At only 10 years old, she recognized this, and began telling us she was going outside for her "quiet time".  She'd walk around the back yard chatting to herself as she invented solitary dramatic scenarios, swing on the swings, ride her bike, or just lay on a blanket and read. 

When she began middle school this past fall, her workload dramatically increased, and her activity level picked up a bit.  She had a couple of hours of homework daily, in addition to dance class, play rehearsals, orchestra rehearsals, Future Problem Solvers, Girl Scouts and flute lessons. (my daughter clearly battles "F.O.M.O."- Fear of Missing Out Syndrome, that I addressed in my "K" post on knowing your limits ;-).   She had less unstructured time for her "quiet time:, and she started missing it.  

Did she give it up?  No way!  I should know better than to think that a kiddo with my terrier-like nature is going to easily let go of something she wants and needs, and somehow realizes is necessary for her to continue to thrive.  Know what I noticed?  After I tucked her into bed at night, I'd hear her rustling around in her room.  I'd be in my bed reading, and I'd hear her above me,  engaging in all sorts of activities, none of which was sleeping!  

At first, this agitated me.  A LOT.  As a parent who is also a teacher (and therefore needs to be "on", appropriate, and cheerful all day) and then needs to maintain that enthusiasm for my own family after I get home, I really, REALLY look forward  to my quiet time.  I need it like my daughter needs hers!  When she started staying awake and shuffling about in her room above me, I'd get really annoyed.  I felt like I was still "on", and I  couldn't relax.  Here it was 10:00 pm, and I hadn't unwound yet.  By the time I did, I'd be asleep, and I'd miss it ;-).  On top of that, despite my terrier-like tendencies, I am a real rule-follower; if the doctor tells me my kids need x number of hours of sleep each night, then I try like heck to make sure x hours, it is.  So now, not only was my own quiet time getting sabotaged, so was my parental obligation to make sure they get their x hours of sleep.  Now I was REALLY crabby!

Then I started to think about it (see?  I need the "La Pause"  I wrote about in yesterday's post;-).  What was she doing upstairs after I tucked her in?  Well, here's a sampling of what she was up to over one particular 2 week period:

• sewing a dress for the last Barbie we haven't given away, using a kit she got for her birthday
• making a bracelet for a new friend she made this year
• hand drawing place cards for the relatives we were hosting for Thanksgiving dinner
• writing a letter to a friend who had recently moved to Korea 
• writing a script for her Girl Scout troop to perform as they earned a badge
• dressing her American Girl dolls- something she doesn't do as often these days
• reading a book of her choice for pleasure
• trying out hairstyles from her Discovery Girls magazine
• getting props together for a skit on which she and her classmates were working

So, she was working on things she loved, both to unwind and to make sure there was time for them in her busy day.  My dad said, "She needs that time, Jenn.  Make sure you don't take it away from her.  She'll sleep when she's tired, and she needs to keep doing these things to stay happy.  Let her be."   Wise words!

At her parent conferences in the Fall , I had asked her science teacher if she had any suggestions for keeping kids who start off very well in middle school on the proper trajectory as they move forward.  Her advice was to avoid "burn out" (more on that tomorrow) by making sure my daughter had her "down time".   When I mentioned that she often availed herself of her quiet time later at night, the teacher's sentiments echoed my dad's.   Bottom line?  The quiet time was worth more to her inner balance and overall outlook (which have a big impact on health) than the sleep.

Don't get me wrong- I'm not letting my kiddo stay up 'til midnight playing.  She usually calls it quits after 30-40 minutes, all on her own.  She goes to bed happy, and with a feeling of accomplishment in a "fun" area of her life.  She's learning how to make time for what she loves, and to take time for herself when she needs it, in addition to fulfilling her obligations.  I'm impressed with her self-awareness, and her ability to create balance for herself.  These are skills we as busy parents need to remind ourselves to exercise in our own busy lives, filled with "must do's" :-)!

P is for PAUSE

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P is for PAUSE

Today's topic is "P is for Pause", but at the moment, it would be more aptly named, "P is for Patience"!  In the interest of full disclosure, here is the context of my life at this moment, as I create this post:

• My "main computer"  ("main computer" is being generous; it's a Dell laptop that's over 6 years old!) shows signs of being close to death.  Yesterday, it wouldn't shut down w/o me committing the mortal sin of taking out the battery and unplugging it.  I may owe some purgatorial time for that move...
• Coincidentally (or in a rare mutiny of my household technology), my DSL is also not working...at all...and I am too honest a person (and far too paranoid) to try and piggy back on "Emily's" connection, which is the only network that appears as an option.  None of my neighbors is named "Emily", which is weird. So, to preserve my identity and my integrity, I am NOT going to try and use "Emily's" connection.
• My husband and I have been assigned a pre-surgery video to watch prior to a procedure he's having tomorrow.  The video is available only online.  And only for 12 more hours.
• I have spent the last couple of hours at a local techie store trying to decide if I want to convert from PC to Mac in my soon to be computer-widowed state.  I believe that a Scientology info session would have been less pressured!
• I am now at the Barnes and Noble around the corner from my house, drinking uber-caffeinated coffee, while trying to get to YESTERDAY's post before they close in an hour and I lose my free (legitimately free- no stealing from "Emily") wireless.
• Oh yeah, and we watched our pre-surgery video.  My husband (who before seemed as concerned as I am before a pedicure about this procedure) has now had his anxiety kicked up several notches.  Apparently, 'til now he has been able to tune out the doctor's discussion of risks- I swear he can invisibly put his fingers in his ears and chant "lalalalalalalala!" to himself.  The visual aspect of the video, combined with the audio, neutralized this ability, and has rendered him powerless.  He just left the store to do some other things, shaking his head and muttering something about "f-ing great".  Poor guy!

SO, these are the circumstances that swirl around my small coffee, resting on my small green table, in a small corner of Barnes and Noble!  I am determined to complete today's post, and then get back to the business of pondering new laptop choices.  Hopefully, tomorrow will bring some new insight (or, at least another blinking light on my modem?) as far as the decision for the decades-old question of "Mac or PC?" goes...In the meantime, and in the spirit of my previous post on "opinions", please feel free to comment and weigh in on whether you think Mac or PC would be a better match for this teacher/blogger/mom!

Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, let's talk about "pause".   I've often battled with living in the moment; however, I've only just recently started thinking about this as it relates to simply taking a moment to just take a breath, and pause.

In her book Bringing Up Bebe:One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting Pamela Druckerman discusses the French practice of "La Pause".  La Pause is a technique designed to help babies begin to sleep through the night on their own.  The idea is that parents, in their desire to be immediately responsive to their newborn's needs, often unwittingly interrupt their baby's sleep by picking them up at the first sign of a whimper.  Druckerman shares conversations she has had with pediatricians and parents who suggest that babies are naturally fitful sleepers, and that their newborn cycles are often brief, and noisy.  They suggest that babies need a minute or two to resettle themselves into a deeper sleep, and that when parents rush to pick them up, this can bring the baby into a fully awake state, which makes it harder for them to return to sleep on their own.  The theory that Druckerman is sharing suggests that when parents are hyper-responsive, they may be creating a pattern that lays the groundwork for many sleepless nights in the future.  It's my impression that Druckerman, et al. aren't suggesting that parent's ignore full-on distress signals from their babies; rather, their recommendation is for parents to pause for a few moments and see what naturally evolves. Does the baby resettle independently and return to sleep (what an AWESOME skill to acquire in the early days, right??)?  If not and the baby seems to become agitated to the point of wakefulness, then parents step in.

My children are well past this stage of the game, so I can't give this a try; however, it kind of makes sense to me. Since I can't give it a whirl (nor do I feel the idea is astounding enough to make me want to have another infant just to try it out;-), I've decide to try and apply the theory of  "La Pause" to my life as it is now.

"What's that look like?" you might be wondering.  Well, it means that as soon as I feel myself about to answer my husband with any remark sprinkled with sarcasm, I take a second to pause, and consider whether this is really how I want to say what I'm trying to say.  Sometimes, after the pause, my decision is, "heck yeah!", and I let fly with the sarcasm.  Other times, though, I'm glad I paused to move outside of my occasionally knee-jerk self.

When I'm trying to prepare a healthy dinner before soccer practice, dance class, or flute lessons, and the kids are both chattering away about their days, tossing notes from school in my direction and asking, "Can I sign up for this?  Can ___________ come over this weekend?  Do I have to practice NOW? Do I have a clean leotard?  Can you put on my shin guards?", I pause, take a breath, and instead of hollering "For God's sake, give me a minute!!!", I say, "Hang on folks, one thing at a time."  La Pause has saved my kids the trouble of wondering whether their mother is a raving lunatic.

The other way I've modified the "pause" to be applicable to my life with elementary and middle school-aged children is to be more mindful of moments to cherish.  When my mind wanders during theses moments, I try to refocus myself with a breath and a pause.  This period in my children's lives is insanely busy and absolutely exhausting.  BUT I LOVE IT!!!!

Remember the "Celebrity Panel" I mentioned in my previous post?  The folks I admire, respect, and love and to whom I turn for opinions when I'd like a variety of them to help me with a particular issue?  Well, I've known these guys for a long time-since their kids were the age my kids are now, and before I had children.  I see where they're at now, and though they're all very happy, they occasionally turn wistful when they've heard about my crazy weekend shuttling kids around and say, "Oh I remember those days.  exhausting...but FUN!  Your kids are at great ages. I miss that!!"  

See?  My Celebrity Panel reminds me that I need to pause and savor.  Pause and think before I speak and/or act, and pause and live in the moment because these moments are fleeting.   The sooner I train myself in the ways of "La Pause", the better- for my family and for me!

O is for OTHERS' OPINIONS

O is for OTHERS' OPINIONS

These days, everyone has an opinion, and they're all willing to share it with the masses (yep, I realize blogging my opinion on opinions is at best ironic, and at worst redundant ;-).  Think about what happens as soon as you log on to your computer-there are opinions EVERYWHERE, about EVERYTHING.  Folks can comment on who wore which dress best, what they think of the political candidates, which restaurants are the best, which books they like the best...no matter what we're wondering about, there are opinions for us to ponder.

Parenting is an arena where there are loads of opinions to be had, and not just on the internet, either.  What parent hasn't been asked at one point or another if their child is dressed warmly enough, if they've eaten enough (or the proper food), if we're sure what they're doing is safe, whether we really want to let them engage in a particular activity?  At face value these seem like innocent questions; however, if you've ever been on the receiving end of any of them, then you know they're just veiled opinions.  Next time you're asked one of these "questions", pause a moment and check in with your feelings- feeling a little defensive?  Then you've been sneak-attacked by an unsolicited opinion ;-)!

In the right conditions, however, opinions are an amazing resource!  I'm the first person to research the internet for opinions on everything possible before making a decision on just about everything.  The keys on my laptop are beyond tired from all of my "searches"- today my space bar is on strike- refusing to work properly until it's given a decent break!

The opinions I wish to highlight in this post aren't available on Yelp, or Amazon, or Consumer Reports.  The untapped resources I'd like to draw your attention to are  parents who have already been through what we're going through.  I have what I call my "Celebrity Panel" of awesome moms who've "been there".  These are moms who've successfully parented their kids to college age, and are finally starting to exhale a bit, now that their children are enjoying a happy young adulthood.

Most of my "Celebrity Panel" is made up of current and former colleagues whom I admire. They're strong, intelligent, empathetic, and generous with their time and advice.  They're not judgmental, but they're also not afraid to call me out on things that I say or do that might not be thought out so well.  They've driven the road I'm on, and they're able to point out where the bumps are, and suggest alternate routes that they've either tried, or wish they'd tried.

As consumers in a data-driven society, we are constantly looking for proof that we're making the right choices for our investments.  Look around you for parents you admire and trust, who might be just ahead of you on their own parenting journeys. Create your own "Celebrity Panel", and don't be afraid to ask for their opinions when you're working through a murky patch.  Chances are, they'll have some valuable information to share.  It's a "win/win" for everyone- you'll get some insight from someone who has "been there", and you'll be validating your "panelist's"parenting skills- something that doesn't happen often enough!

With gratitude to my "Celebrity Panel": Sue P., Dee, Helenne, Donna, Babs, Anne, Jane, and whomever I might have forgotten (you know I've forgotten someone...otherwise I might not create an awkward situation for myself, and it wouldn't be "Jenn" without an awkward situation, right?;-)- you guys are amazing!!!!

N is for NYSTAGMUS and kids with different NEEDS

N is for Nystagmus and kids with different Needs

"Ny....WHAT?", you're probably asking.  Nystagmus is characterized by an involuntary movement of the eyes, which may reduce vision or be associated with other, more serious, conditions that limit vision. Nystagmus may be one of several infantile types or may be acquired later in life.

So why devote the letter "N" to this visual/neurological condition?  My soon-to-be 8 year-old son was born with a hereditary form of horizontal Congenital Nystagmus, related to ocular albinism.   He sees 20/80 in each eye with his glasses,and 20/70 binocular. His eyes are in a relatively constant side-to-side motion, and when he's very tired or working hard to focus, his head often moves along with his eyes. He receives accommodations at school, and at home he self-regulates his visual access.

So what does my son's visual condition have to do with being an elementary parent? Here's what I've noticed: kids with different needs, be they sensory, mobility, academic, or emotional generally don't spend much time noticing the differences between themselves and other kids when they're very young.  Fast forward a few years into elementary school, and they start to see that they don't do things the same way the majority of their peers do them.  This often kicks off a very tricky emotional stage in their lives.

Until the past 6 months or so, my son didn't seem to notice any differences between his visual capabilities and his peers.  It seemed to come up all of a sudden (which means it had probably been swirling around in his head for awhile), and he's become very sensitive about things that are noticeably tougher for him than for other kids.

This (7 or 8 years old) seems to be the age when kids really start to take off with their chosen interests.  In our case, I see the difference at soccer.  Many kids are really "clicking" with it, and the game moves at a much faster pace. My guy's vision has a really hard time keeping up with that.  So what do we do?  Well, we discuss with him what he'd like moving forward.  It's important to determine whether he's upset because he wants to do better at that sport, or whether he's having a hard time processing that he's living with something that other kids aren't.  I think in our case it's a little of both.

So what do you do with a kiddo who's just figuring out that he's (I'm going to use the male pronoun for the sake of brevity) got some different needs?

1. Teach him to advocate for himself.  He needs to know himself (and his abilities) well enough to determine how he functions best.  He needs to know how to put this into words, and feel comfortable sharing this with others.  My son had a mini-meltdown at school last week when a teacher (not his usual instructor) positioned words on the board at an angle that made them difficult for him to see (this is common for folks with Nystagmus- often it isn't the nearness of the object that makes it easier to see- it's frequently the angle at which its placed).  My son started to cry from frustration, and this didn't help the situation. We talked about it later, and he now realizes that people want to help him and that it's his job to show them the best way to do that.
2. Ask him what it is he'd really like to do.  My son has decided that soccer might not be something he wants to pursue as his athletic interest in the future.  He's not completely sure, so we're still working on ways to modify the experience for him to allow him maximum potential for success.  He's decided to let the coach know he does not want to be goalie (thank goodness for that!), and we're using the brightest ball we could find.
3. Try to as closely as possible to duplicate the child's area of need for yourself, so that you can get even a small inkling of what it's like to live with that condition.  I can't believe it took me so long to do this.  My son has been at the ophthalmologist twice a year or more since he was three months old.  At our appointment a couple of weeks ago, I asked the doctor to try and duplicate my son's vision by using lenses to distort mine to the level that he sees WITH his glasses.  The doctor did so, and I nearly cried.  I could not make out my son's facial features from 10 feet  away.  The doctor said, "You have the advantage of seeing this with a steady gaze.  His nystagmus makes it even more difficult.  He only sees this well when his head is in his null position (the position where the eye motion is damped the most)."   This simple exercise made me realize how difficult it has been for him to play soccer, play t-ball (that was only one season, thank goodness!), play the Wii, and even to find my husband and I on the sidelines.  This got me brainstorming about what he can do well, and how to apply those skills to an interest area.   He's currently trying fencing!
4. Come up with strategies that work on and off the field. As I mentioned above, my guy has really started to get nervous in crowds, because he can't pick me out of a crowd easily.  I wear the uniform of my early 40's demographic- black yoga pants and a black fleece jacket.  He and I discussed a way to make me more visible to him- I now wear a bright scarf when we go out.  I'm still working on a strategy for the pool club this summer- I'm sure as heck not wearing a neon bikini ;-)!
5. Focus on his strengths. We're trying fencing because my son is quick on his feet, and he's motivated.  He sees well up close, and in fencing, the rules require players to stay fairly close to each other and engaged.  Plus, the mask obstructs vision a bit- something my child is used to, but throws the opponent a bit- in this case, his comfort level with crummy vision is a bit of an advantage ;-)! 
6. Understand that as much as you want to, you can't fix everything. This is a journey that your child is on.  You can do whatever is in your power to be understanding and to try to make things a bit easier; but ultimately your child has to make his own way.  If we don't give kids the vote of confidence to try things on their own, they won't ever know how- and then they'll never know the inner strength that comes with this process.

No matter what your child's area of need might be, expect a bumpy patch early in elementary school.  Your child might just be catching on to the fact that he or she has a different way of doing things than his/her peers.  There are all sorts of ebbs and flows in childhood, and this stage is a little dicey when needs are different. Help your child to find his/her equilibrium now so that he/she emerges from this stage knowledgeable about his/her needs and confident in advocating for what they need to find success.  This will lay the foundation for the next gargantuan bump in the developmental road...ADOLESCENCE- YIKES! :-)

For more information on Nystagmus, click here.

M is for MINDFUL MEDIA

M is for MINDFUL MEDIA

The image above says it all- this one is a "soapbox issue" for me :-).  I am a voracious consumer of all media- a self-confessed bibliophile, and a reality TV dabbler.  However, simply because I consume a variety of media (admittedly, some of it of questionable quality ;-), that doesn't mean that my children are afforded the same freedoms.  After all, I occasionally consume alcohol; that doesn't mean my children are allowed to do the same- that'd be dangerous!  I'm here to remind you that without careful monitoring, the media can be equally dangerous to children.  

It isn't my goal to simply share with you the statistics regarding the media's impact on children; you can check those out when you have time at the American Psychological Association's website. The APA site is a wellspring of information to help folks sit up and take notice of the fact that the messages children see and hear everyday (even if they're only in the background)  have a lasting impact on their psyches.

Here's what I'd like you to consider...I'd like you to take a minute a go through the Rolodex in your head that contains all of the television shows, movies, and video games to which your children are exposed on a regular basis.  Really think about each of those shows- the content, the characters (and any stereotypes that might be perpetuated) as well as the messages that are being conveyed- either overtly or subconsciously.  I'd also like you to consider the messages contained in the commercials that are shown during the shows they're watching.

Do you agree with all of these messages?  Are these shows modeling for your child opinions and ideas that you can stand behind? If not, it's time to really think about the media policy in your home.

Television and video games are not "rights"; they are privileges!

For a moment I'd like you to consider something rash...relegating television viewing and video gaming on your home to weekend days.  No, this doesn't mean you can't watch your TV when the kids are in bed- it just means no TV for children during the week.  

Without the television on, kids stop being passive and start being active.  I don't just mean physically active- I mean their minds are active.  They create ships and cities out of blocks, they engage in dramatic play (at EVERY age; my middle school daughter spent hours this weekend pretending to be Katniss from the Hunger Games in our back yard.  She created a bow and arrow set out of twigs and yarn, and hunted rabbits and turkeys she and my son made out of paper), and they READ more.   They also play more games- the board kind and the "kid invented"kind.

I know I'm not the first parent to institute this policy; however from my own informal surveys, I know I'm in the minority.  You are NOT being a "mean" parent if you relegate TV to the weekend.  When you institute a "weekends only" policy, you're opening blocks of time for your children to be creative, for your family to connect, and you make the TV more of a novelty.  AND, when something's a novelty, it's something that kids look forward to...which also means that in the absence of appropriate behavior, it can be taken away- leverage is a WONDERFUL thing :-).

Know what your kids are watching and playing

In our house, we allow our kids to watch PBS, the Food Network, and the Disney channel.  They're not allowed to watch all of the shows on those channels; some are o.k. for just my daughter, but not for my son who is 4 years younger.  They are allowed to watch a show or two from other networks, but only "On Demand", so that we can preview them.  We're not super-strict parents; we just know that kids internalize a LOT of what they see, and we want the things they see and hear to be as free from violence and negative stereotypes as possible.  If media use isn't carefully monitored, kids can incorporate negative images into their world views, and become desensitized to violence.  Remember, just because it's on the Disney channel (or Nickolodeon, or Cartoon Network), doesn't necessarily mean it's appropriate.  Watch the shows yourself, and think of them as "speaking to your kids".  If the messages these shows are sending aren't what you'd want your children to be explicitly taught, then it's time to rethink your household media policy.

Just because "everyone else is watching it" doesn't mean your child has to, too...just don't make your kid an outcast..

Am I suggesting a bit of a contradiction here?  You bet ;-).  What I'm saying is,you don't want to say "yes" to a show, just because "everyone else is watching it"; however, you don't want your child to be clueless where certain media/cultural references are concerned, either.  Let me give you an example-

If there's a show that "everyone's talking about" in your child's age group, give it a view w/o your child.  Is this show something that is appropriate for your child?  If so, you're all set- let him/her watch it.  Is it inappropriate?  How inappropriate?  If it is ridiculously inappropriate, then that is that- no more discussion- the child isn't watching it.  But what if it's borderline?

An example of this is the Lifetime show "Dance Moms".  This is one that I fall victim to each week, after the kids are in bed.  The issue arose when the majority of the girls in my daughters dance class began discussing episodes during class.  I don't allow my daughter to watch this show- I feel it's inappropriate for her age.  She started to feel a bit excluded at dance, and asked me if she could watch it.  Here's the tricky part- maintaining our family's standards while keeping my kid "in the loop".

In the case of this show, I take issue with the way the women treat each other, the way the adults manage their anger, and the occasional sexual innuendos.  What I really enjoy is the way the children dance.  I had a talk with my daughter, during which I shared my reasons for not wanting her to watch the show.  I then said that I understood why she wanted to watch it, but that I needed to stick by my choice for her. I was willing, however, to let her watch the children's dance numbers, which are at a fairly standard point in each episode. I shared those with her, she learned the names of the dancers, and was able to join in the conversation with her classmates at dance.  She was spared the arguing and inappropriate interactions of the moms, and I didn't have to worry about her viewing these women's behavior as "usual" in the realm of adult interactions.

I could go on ad infinitum with this topic- regarding appropriate books, music, internet homepages and more. The bottom line is, know the impact this media has on your children, despite its passive nature.  Know your standards as a parent, and be willing to be vigilant about maintaining them.Be willing to compromise when you can; but also be willing to stand your ground when no compromise is possible.  Your children may be angry with you, but hey, that happens sometimes when you're doing the right thing as a parent, right ;-)?

CHECK OUT: FAMILY ADVENTURES: TV FREE FAMILY for some great ideas to share with your family :-)!