E is for ETIQUETTE and EMBARRASSMENT
I've always sort of prided myself on the fact that my children have decent manners. I mean, I'm no Emily Post, and they certainly wouldn't be prepared for an audience with the royals; however, along the way we've done pretty well with pleases, thank yous, and the very versatile "excuse me". So, I figured we were well on our way in the manners department. Then I had a distraction-free lunch with my son (just the 2 of us with nowhere to go, so he had my undivided attention)...3 minutes in, and I was shaking my head in sad disbelief!
Was he doing anything horrendous? No. Were other diners at the bistro stopping and staring? No. He wasn't doing anything jaw-droppingly awful. He was simply enjoying his meal with gusto. And without a lot of social grace. Or use of a napkin.
"Why is this even important?" you may ask. After all, he was using his "pleases" and "thank yous" with the waitstaff, and his behavior was terrific. Well, it was one of those "fast forward to the future" moments when I realized that we had a ways to go in the "gentleman" department, and a reminder that kids don't arrive on the planet pre-programmed with this stuff- we need to actively teach a lot of it.
When children are very small, we focus on the basics- please, thank you, and excuse me. We eventually promote them to "pleased to meet you", and "I'm well thank you- how are you?". We help them write thank you notes and teach them to thank their hosts after play dates and dinners. My children even thank my husband and/or me for preparing dinner each evening (this may sound "over the top"; however at this point they do it on their own, and it gives them a moment of pause to think about the fact that this meal didn't simply "appear"- it took some effort. Our daughter occasionally prepares a meal these days, and when she does, we thank her!). These are all great starts,yet the "manners pool" is a deep one, and after some reflection I realized that a good background in etiquette is a no-cost gift we can give our children.
Practicing good etiquette is an amazing social equalizer. With proper manners, a person can come close to fitting in just about anywhere, no matter their income level (and, dare I say education?). Old School manners can be a very hot commodity in a New School economy. First impressions have a much higher likelihood of being fabulous when they're well-grounded in excellent etiquette.
So where do we go with our kids after the "please", "than you", and "excuse me"stage? I mentioned the "pleased to meet you" and "I'm well thank you. How are you?" above. It should also include eye contact and extending the proper hand for a relaxed, firm handshake. From my observations, the eye contact portion can be a tough one for kids. I recognize that in some cultures, children making direct eye contact with adults is interpreted as disrespect; however, I'm making my recommendations based on highly prevalent American societal expectations. If you're going to be interacting with folks from a culture that is quite different from the American (especially in the case of global travel, or when entertaining guests visiting from a particular country) then I recommend doing a quick bit of research (and some practice) to avoid any embarrassment on your part, and to make the other party feel comfortable. You might wish to check out the Culture Crossing website which has a tremendous wealth of information on the topic!
Another area where I find myself scrambling to make sure my children use their manners is around doors. Teaching your children when to hold the door for others, and when to step through first is important. Despite my continued reminders, my two always attempt to charge into an elevator as soon as the doors open (thank goodness for hoods-they're like a safety net for catching them before they crash into people disembarking!). I'm always reiterating that in any situation when people need to get out before we get in, it's polite (and efficient) to let the others out first!
I found a great resource on clearance at Marshall's shortly after my "uh oh" moment (I think that's the opposite of an "aha" moment) with my son. :
So where do we go with our kids after the "please", "than you", and "excuse me"stage? I mentioned the "pleased to meet you" and "I'm well thank you. How are you?" above. It should also include eye contact and extending the proper hand for a relaxed, firm handshake. From my observations, the eye contact portion can be a tough one for kids. I recognize that in some cultures, children making direct eye contact with adults is interpreted as disrespect; however, I'm making my recommendations based on highly prevalent American societal expectations. If you're going to be interacting with folks from a culture that is quite different from the American (especially in the case of global travel, or when entertaining guests visiting from a particular country) then I recommend doing a quick bit of research (and some practice) to avoid any embarrassment on your part, and to make the other party feel comfortable. You might wish to check out the Culture Crossing website which has a tremendous wealth of information on the topic!
Another area where I find myself scrambling to make sure my children use their manners is around doors. Teaching your children when to hold the door for others, and when to step through first is important. Despite my continued reminders, my two always attempt to charge into an elevator as soon as the doors open (thank goodness for hoods-they're like a safety net for catching them before they crash into people disembarking!). I'm always reiterating that in any situation when people need to get out before we get in, it's polite (and efficient) to let the others out first!
I found a great resource on clearance at Marshall's shortly after my "uh oh" moment (I think that's the opposite of an "aha" moment) with my son. :
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| How to Raise a Gentleman by Kay West |
Publisher's Note
How to Raise a Gentleman is an invaluable resource for parents who hope their little boys will grow up to be the kind of men who know which fork to use, how to treat others, and will generally make their parents proud.
How to Raise a Gentleman focuses on real-life topics such as: being a good sport, play dates, and - especially for boys - "personal habits:farting, belching, boogers, and scratching." The book includes:
A QUICK NOTE ABOUT "E" IS FOR EMBARRASSMENT:
When your children misbehave in public or forget to use the manners you've gone bananas trying to teach them, no matter what, remember ONE CARDINAL RULE: KEEP YOUR COOL!!!! Other adults will most often be understanding (especially if they're under 70 and have had children of their own!) when your child is having an "off" day. I've noticed that this understanding often vanishes as soon as the child's parent starts to stress out and lose their cool. Once that happens, it's like a "critical eye searchlight" immediately lands on the parent, and the observing adults switch to "Team Kid".
Here's a case in point:
One day while traveling, I was at a pool where they offered swimming lessons in addition to recreation. There happened to be a child there that day who was supposed to be taking a swimming lesson, but was for whatever reason, simply not in the mood. The swimming teacher kindly yet firmly gave the child several warnings, reminding her that if she wasn't going to participate, she'd have to get out of the pool. The child continued to be a bit of a problem for the teacher, so the teacher followed through and asked the child to get out of the pool and sit with her parent. Her father was not happy. He attempted to talk to her, becoming increasingly frustrated, and finally raising his voice. She agreed to follow directions,and returned to the lesson. Her strategy appeared to be to gain a mere reprieve, because as soon as she returned to the lesson, she again refused to follow directions. her father began to pace, and then roared, "You're embarrassing me!!!" Guess who's side the bystanders at the pool were on now?
The other time to keep your cool (and this is my Achilles's heel) is when your child is less than effusive with an adult who is trying to make conversation with him or her. Here's the thing...this moment is about the child as they are- not about us and our children making us look good. I know it's tough when you're standing there thinking, "Gosh! She's such a terrific kid! Mrs. So-and-so NEVER sees her. Now she's going to think that she's not ___________ (insert whatever you're most worried about here: "polite", "smart", "friendly")." Maybe Mrs. So-and-so will think that. So what? Remember 10-10-10? This is NOT important. Besides, most likely Mrs. So-and-so won't think that. Most often this stuff is cultivated in our own minds, we believe it, and then act on it in the heat of the moment. That's when we end up embarrassing ourselves-the kids haven't embarrassed us!
What particular areas of etiquette do you feel are important to impart to elementary-aged students? PARENTS Magazine has published a list of 25 Manners Kids Should Know by Age 9. Check it out and add your favorites and any others to the "Comments" section below!
How to Raise a Gentleman is an invaluable resource for parents who hope their little boys will grow up to be the kind of men who know which fork to use, how to treat others, and will generally make their parents proud.
How to Raise a Gentleman focuses on real-life topics such as: being a good sport, play dates, and - especially for boys - "personal habits:farting, belching, boogers, and scratching." The book includes:
- Personal stories pertaining to each topic
- Suggestions for the age at which a parent should introduce a child to certain rules
- Helpful ideas in easy-to-remember phrases
- And suggestions that parents can follow to "teach by example"
A QUICK NOTE ABOUT "E" IS FOR EMBARRASSMENT:
When your children misbehave in public or forget to use the manners you've gone bananas trying to teach them, no matter what, remember ONE CARDINAL RULE: KEEP YOUR COOL!!!! Other adults will most often be understanding (especially if they're under 70 and have had children of their own!) when your child is having an "off" day. I've noticed that this understanding often vanishes as soon as the child's parent starts to stress out and lose their cool. Once that happens, it's like a "critical eye searchlight" immediately lands on the parent, and the observing adults switch to "Team Kid".
Here's a case in point:
One day while traveling, I was at a pool where they offered swimming lessons in addition to recreation. There happened to be a child there that day who was supposed to be taking a swimming lesson, but was for whatever reason, simply not in the mood. The swimming teacher kindly yet firmly gave the child several warnings, reminding her that if she wasn't going to participate, she'd have to get out of the pool. The child continued to be a bit of a problem for the teacher, so the teacher followed through and asked the child to get out of the pool and sit with her parent. Her father was not happy. He attempted to talk to her, becoming increasingly frustrated, and finally raising his voice. She agreed to follow directions,and returned to the lesson. Her strategy appeared to be to gain a mere reprieve, because as soon as she returned to the lesson, she again refused to follow directions. her father began to pace, and then roared, "You're embarrassing me!!!" Guess who's side the bystanders at the pool were on now?
The other time to keep your cool (and this is my Achilles's heel) is when your child is less than effusive with an adult who is trying to make conversation with him or her. Here's the thing...this moment is about the child as they are- not about us and our children making us look good. I know it's tough when you're standing there thinking, "Gosh! She's such a terrific kid! Mrs. So-and-so NEVER sees her. Now she's going to think that she's not ___________ (insert whatever you're most worried about here: "polite", "smart", "friendly")." Maybe Mrs. So-and-so will think that. So what? Remember 10-10-10? This is NOT important. Besides, most likely Mrs. So-and-so won't think that. Most often this stuff is cultivated in our own minds, we believe it, and then act on it in the heat of the moment. That's when we end up embarrassing ourselves-the kids haven't embarrassed us!
What particular areas of etiquette do you feel are important to impart to elementary-aged students? PARENTS Magazine has published a list of 25 Manners Kids Should Know by Age 9. Check it out and add your favorites and any others to the "Comments" section below!
Jenn,
ReplyDeleteWe had a similar experience, while eating in a more formal setting with our daughter. The napkin, the conversation topics, the proper use of utensils. To be sure, she was very excited and happy and was completely unselfconscious, which I think is important, as we don't want her to be so nervous in a formal setting that she is nervous or awkward, but we realized she needed some coaching.
I teach in the evenings, so 3 nights a week I am not on dinner duty, so we have implemented a Thursday night special family dinner where we use our best behavior, use our napkins properly, engage in polite conversation and are courteous, just to get in the habit of being able to shift back and forth from casual to formal.
On a side note, I saw the same book but for girls, How To Raise a Lady. As I put it into our cart, my husband cheekily grabbed its analog, How to Be a Lady, and added it with a smile.