V is for VARYING YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE

V is for VARYING YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE

Tonight I sat at the soccer field in the rain, waiting in earnest for the end of my son's practice.  First, I loathe being wet, and second, the cool, damp air had me casting sideways glances at the lone Port-a-Potty, trying to decide if I could wait the 15 minutes until practice ended, or whether I should play germ roulette and try it out.  I decided the germ factor was way too risky, and hunkered down in my sling chair under my umbrella.  Only here's the problem- I realized that my umbrella was missing the little piece that clicks into place to keep it up.  So, the only way to make it usable was to hold it up with my thumb.  Every time my thumb got tired, my umbrella would close around my head until I got my thumb strength back!  It was definitely a pain in the neck, but it kept my mind off the bathroom dilemma for a while.

Since I was hunkered down so far in my sling chair, and my busted umbrella was functioning more like an awkward hat than an umbrella, I didn't engage in any of the usual parental banter that happens on the sidelines of kids' sporting events.  I simply willed strength to my thumb and my bladder, and just eavesdropped on all of the conversations around me.

Know what I noticed?  People love to talk about their ideas, their opinions, their kids, their points of view...themselves!  All around me, folks were talking to each other, but what I heard (and I heard about three simultaneous conversations) all seemed to be people telling things TO each other.  I was there for an hour and hardly heard a single question in response to something that was shared.

O.k., this is one of my most frequently committed social crimes.  I have a long and colorful history of talking too much about myself (obviously...hello, I'm blogging, right? ;-).   I mean a REALLY colorful history- to the point of creating awkward situations for myself.  At the " art form" level!  So, listening attentively with no response agenda or need to "bottom line" everything the other person says is a definite goal of mine.

Have you ever spent time with a person who was REALLY listening to you?  I mean not multitasking, checking their phone, working on something, or interrupting with their own agenda of ideas and thoughts?  And not your therapist? These people seem so serene to me, and I never notice when I'm with them (probably because I'm too busy blathering on about myself, my ideas, and every random thought that has passed through my head that day), but they ask a lot of questions; not dumb surface questions, just so they can seem like they're paying attention, but questions well-grounded in what you've shared.  I am always sorry to see time with this kind of listener end.  I leave the time together refreshed and upbeat, but with a little edge of, "Gee, did I ask her about________?  Rats!  I meant to see how that was going!".  

I want to be this serene, attentive person for my friends, and most especially, my children.  I have to pause and just relax and listen.  I have to try NOT to think of a way to "fix" whatever they're sharing about, and instead I just need to be present with them.  Have you noticed that time spent with someone who interrupts, or tries to match you story-for-story (coming from someone who does this frequently, please realize that it's often an attempt to make interpersonal connections- not a "one-upping" kind of thing), that you leave the conversation feeling like you didn't get to finish your stories or share all you wanted?

My goal is going to be to try and add some variety to my often impulsive, boisterous style of communicating.  I plan on relaxing more and really listening actively to my children, my students, and my friends.  I wonder what impact my shift in attentiveness will have on what they share and what I learn?  I'm guessing the space I create with my quiet listening will allow my children to more readily share what's on their minds, my students to formulate clearer ideas, and my friends to know that when they're talking to me, they're the most important person in that moment.  For a born chatterbox, this won't be easy- but I'm excited to try!