K is for KNOW YOUR LIMITS (AND ESPECIALLY YOUR KIDS')
My 11 year old daughter is a "joiner"; not in the "follower without original ideas" sense, but in the "hey, that sounds like fun- count me in!" sense. She stopped playing soccer shortly after she turned 10, saying, "I love soccer- it's the running I hate." Unfortunately, we couldn't figure out how to keep the two mutually exclusive, and that was the end of her soccer career.
Then came middle school. "Mom, I think I want to try out for soccer." *Pause as I digest information*..."What? I thought you liked soccer but hated running?..." Her response: "Yeah, but the team has car washes and bake sales. I really wanna do some car washes and bake sales- they sound fun!"
If that doesn't sound like a "joiner", I don't know what does :-)!
She's like that with everything- she's never heard a description of an age-appropriate activity that she hasn't liked. She would join EVERYTHING if it were possible. When she is a part of an activity, she throws her whole heart into it. Seriously, you ought to see her with her Girl Scout homework (yes, there IS Girl Scout homework! Cripes, the ante's been upped even for Scouts!)- if she had the time to prepare a Power Point for it, she would! She puts an equally tremendous efforts towards every activity in which she engages- she doesn't slack on any of them, and there are plenty; all of which were self-selected, and all of which she enjoys.
Why then, does she occasionally turn into a puddle of tears? Because at times, she's stretched beyond her limits. At the beginning of the school year, her first in middle school, I sat back and followed her lead with reference to activities. I wanted to see how she set her personal equilibrium with the new school structure, workload, and activity options. I gave her a few ground rules: 1. You must stick with orchestra, 2. Whatever you choose, you must see it through to the end, 3. You must keep your grades up, 4. Your dad and I have the final say on whether to go forward with an activity. She's followed the rules all year, but we've noticed that we've occasionally needed to employ Rule #4 "Your dad and I have the final say", more than once, if only to save her from her own enthusiasm!
If she catches wind of a new activity at school, hearing about it during the morning announcements, reading about it on a poster or in a notice, or (perhaps the toughest from which to dissuade her) at the suggestion of a teacher, she immediately wants to be a part of it. My dear friend's cousin coined a fabulous acronym that describes my daughter's condition:
It was time for me to help her see the big picture. I drew a matrix that included my daughter and a random sampling of her friends from various activities. We then filled in activities for each child. As the matrix took shape, my daughter saw that she wasn't "missing out"; that instead, all of these kids participated in just a few activities each- SHE was the only one trying to do them ALL! This crystallized the situation for her, and she asked to hang the matrix on the fridge as a reminder that she needs to be choosy about how she spends her time- time is a resource, and the busier we get, the more scarce it becomes!
There's a lesson here for parents, too. We need to know when we're reaching our personal limits with reference to time, energy, and patience. Before we volunteer for that one committee that puts us over the edge, or we stop going to exercise classes so we can attend extra meetings, or we work late and miss the quiet time we need to recharge our batteries- we need to ask ourselves, "Why am I doing this? Is it guilt? Is it F.O.M.O.? What am I giving up to do it, and is it really worth it if I look at the Big Picture?" I find I tend to snap at my family when I'm feeling overwhelmed and under-energized. If I feel pressure (which is probably self-inflicted, but which still counts!), I tend to be more reactive than proactive, and this makes for more knee-jerk reactions, more tunnel vision, and a lot less fun!
Before you say "YES" to the next opportunity that comes your way (or your child's), PAUSE, take a breath, and say, "that sounds really cool; let me/us think about it and we'll get back to you." Then, take a look at your own matrix and your rationale for participation. If the logistical planets align and you feel a purity in your motives, than go for it- JOIN AWAY! If not, FORGO THE FRAZZLE- sit this one out, and see how right it can feel to know your limits. Remember, you're walking your talk- modeling a terrific thought process for your child to use in the future!
UPDATE: Check out "10 Things to Consider Before Enrolling Your Kids in Activities" on Yahoo!
Then came middle school. "Mom, I think I want to try out for soccer." *Pause as I digest information*..."What? I thought you liked soccer but hated running?..." Her response: "Yeah, but the team has car washes and bake sales. I really wanna do some car washes and bake sales- they sound fun!"
If that doesn't sound like a "joiner", I don't know what does :-)!
She's like that with everything- she's never heard a description of an age-appropriate activity that she hasn't liked. She would join EVERYTHING if it were possible. When she is a part of an activity, she throws her whole heart into it. Seriously, you ought to see her with her Girl Scout homework (yes, there IS Girl Scout homework! Cripes, the ante's been upped even for Scouts!)- if she had the time to prepare a Power Point for it, she would! She puts an equally tremendous efforts towards every activity in which she engages- she doesn't slack on any of them, and there are plenty; all of which were self-selected, and all of which she enjoys.
Why then, does she occasionally turn into a puddle of tears? Because at times, she's stretched beyond her limits. At the beginning of the school year, her first in middle school, I sat back and followed her lead with reference to activities. I wanted to see how she set her personal equilibrium with the new school structure, workload, and activity options. I gave her a few ground rules: 1. You must stick with orchestra, 2. Whatever you choose, you must see it through to the end, 3. You must keep your grades up, 4. Your dad and I have the final say on whether to go forward with an activity. She's followed the rules all year, but we've noticed that we've occasionally needed to employ Rule #4 "Your dad and I have the final say", more than once, if only to save her from her own enthusiasm!
If she catches wind of a new activity at school, hearing about it during the morning announcements, reading about it on a poster or in a notice, or (perhaps the toughest from which to dissuade her) at the suggestion of a teacher, she immediately wants to be a part of it. My dear friend's cousin coined a fabulous acronym that describes my daughter's condition:
F.O.M.O. = Fear Of Missing Out syndrome
This (totally unofficial, but spot-on description) syndrome seems to affect primarily enthusiastic, motivated, and social humans. It's symptoms are as follows:
- an enthusiastic response to a suggested activity regardless of fatigue level (which is usually high)
- an enthusiastic response to a suggested activity regardless of workload
- an enthusiastic response to a suggested activity regardless of time constraints
- an inability to see "the big picture" of one's obligations
- a feeling that if one decides to "sit this one out" ,then one will have missed the BEST activity EVER!
It was time for me to help her see the big picture. I drew a matrix that included my daughter and a random sampling of her friends from various activities. We then filled in activities for each child. As the matrix took shape, my daughter saw that she wasn't "missing out"; that instead, all of these kids participated in just a few activities each- SHE was the only one trying to do them ALL! This crystallized the situation for her, and she asked to hang the matrix on the fridge as a reminder that she needs to be choosy about how she spends her time- time is a resource, and the busier we get, the more scarce it becomes!
There's a lesson here for parents, too. We need to know when we're reaching our personal limits with reference to time, energy, and patience. Before we volunteer for that one committee that puts us over the edge, or we stop going to exercise classes so we can attend extra meetings, or we work late and miss the quiet time we need to recharge our batteries- we need to ask ourselves, "Why am I doing this? Is it guilt? Is it F.O.M.O.? What am I giving up to do it, and is it really worth it if I look at the Big Picture?" I find I tend to snap at my family when I'm feeling overwhelmed and under-energized. If I feel pressure (which is probably self-inflicted, but which still counts!), I tend to be more reactive than proactive, and this makes for more knee-jerk reactions, more tunnel vision, and a lot less fun!
Before you say "YES" to the next opportunity that comes your way (or your child's), PAUSE, take a breath, and say, "that sounds really cool; let me/us think about it and we'll get back to you." Then, take a look at your own matrix and your rationale for participation. If the logistical planets align and you feel a purity in your motives, than go for it- JOIN AWAY! If not, FORGO THE FRAZZLE- sit this one out, and see how right it can feel to know your limits. Remember, you're walking your talk- modeling a terrific thought process for your child to use in the future!
UPDATE: Check out "10 Things to Consider Before Enrolling Your Kids in Activities" on Yahoo!
enjoyed about the FOMO syndrome:) have that too sometimes:)
ReplyDeleteNutschell
www.thewritingnut.com
Happy A-Zing!
I definitely have FOMO syndrome!
ReplyDeleteMe, too!!!!
ReplyDelete